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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27899056">Knight's Widow</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/DegrassiFanatic/pseuds/DegrassiFanatic'>DegrassiFanatic</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Merlin (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canonical Character Death, Episode: s04e01-02 The Darkest Hour, F/M, Gen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 17:28:32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,457</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27899056</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/DegrassiFanatic/pseuds/DegrassiFanatic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>She will feel his absence in their home, even long after she's put away his possessions to keep her from bursting out in tears at the sight. </p><p>She will feel his absence when she sees all of the knights lined up at the gates of Camelot for another quest, and how they're will be a gap between Gwaine and Leon because Arthur could not bear to replace Lancelot. </p><p>Gwen will feel his absence for the rest of her life. </p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Gwen &amp; Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Gwen/Lancelot (Merlin)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Knight's Widow</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>rewrite of lancelot's funeral because i refuse to believe that gwen who was in love with lancelot since the moment they met would ask him to take care of arthur knowing that he would fulfill her request to the fullest extent even if it meant his life would come to an end</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Gwen does not know how much time has passed since the funeral. All she knows is that the flames that were once raging against the wood of the pyre have now died down. In its place, remains only the ashes of Lancelot’s earthly possessions. From where she is standing in front of what is left of the funeral pyre, she sees that the moon is already high up in the night sky behind the structures of Camelot.</p><p> </p><p>As if her body has just registered it is night time, a shiver runs through Gwen’s whole body. Her flimsy skirts are not enough to protect against the cool summer nights. Had she been in any other circumstance, she would have already been on her way back home. </p><p> </p><p>She doesn’t dare to go home today, though; she knows the only thing waiting for her at home are Lancelot’s belongings scattered around their once shared home. If she goes back home, all she will find is sorrow and Gwen likes to think she’s dealt with enough of that for a lifetime. </p><p> </p><p>On their own accord, her palms come up to rub against the sides of her arms in an attempt to warm her up. The cold metal of the ring on her left hand is felt through the fabric of her sleeves.</p><p> </p><p>All of a sudden, she feels a heavy fabric spread across her shoulders. In the pale moonlight, she can see the tell tale red of a knight’s cloak floating around by her feet. </p><p> </p><p>At the sight of it, she bites back a cry because Lancelot used to do the exact same thing, he used to drape his cloak over Gwen. </p><p> </p><p>The habit had begun last winter. The two of them had taken a stroll out in the forest only for the first snow to fall and cut their little outing short. Fortunately for Lancelot, seeing as he ran cold no matter what the season was, he had worn layers of tunics and thick woolen socks. Gwen, on the other hand, was still dressed in her thin maidservant skirts and open top flats. </p><p> </p><p>At the sight of her, Lancelot had unclasped his cloak and swaddled her in the fabric. Without another thought, he picked up Gwen in his arms and rushed back towards Camelot. Ignoring all of Gwen’s protests as he did so. He knew that she secretly liked how doting he was. </p><p> </p><p>Blinking back the memory, she finds Arthur standing next to her. Looking out to the long extinguished pyre. From the corner of her eye, she can spot him fiddling with his own wedding band resting on his ring finger. </p><p> </p><p>“His last thoughts were about you.” Arthur murmurs as he is unable or unwilling, she does not know, to look her in the eye, “He told all of us to take care of you. To love you enough that you will not feel his absence.”</p><p> </p><p>“I will always feel his absence.” </p><p> </p><p>She will feel his absence in their home, even long after she's put away his possessions to keep her from bursting out in tears at the sight. She will feel his absence when she sees all of the knights lined up at the gates of Camelot for another quest, and how they're will be a gap between Gwaine and Leon because Arthur could not bear to replace Lancelot. Gwen will feel his absence for the rest of her life. </p><p> </p><p>As she fiddles with her wedding ring, Gwen thinks she will not remarry, not for the life of her. She doesn't know if she can. How could she? How could she settle for anyone else after having lived less than a lifetime with Lancelot? </p><p> </p><p>She loved him— No, she <em> loves </em> him with her whole being. No one else would ever come close to him. For her, there was only ever him.</p><p> </p><p>“I think in all the time I have known him, I never told him I loved him.” she confesses as she clutches onto the lining on the inside of the cloak, “Never those exact words.”</p><p> </p><p>Finally, Arthur turns to look at her. His eyes are rimmed red and Gwen is reminded that Lancelot was more than her husband, he was Arthur’s friend. </p><p> </p><p>“Trust me, Gwen. He knew.” he says, his voice coming out choked, “It was implied.”</p><p> </p><p>“When?”</p><p> </p><p>“Everyday.” he answers, truthfully, “From the moment you two met.”</p><p> </p><p>What were the last words Lancelot ever heard from her? Were they enough to remind Lancelot that he was loved, that he will always be loved? </p><p> </p><p>Her throat starts to get watery as she recalls the last thing she ever uttered to him. </p><p> </p><p>She hadn’t told him to be safe or that she needed him to come back or that he had to take care of himself.</p><p> </p><p>No, Gwen had told him to take care of the knights. Gwen had made him promise her that he would look after their friends, their family. </p><p> </p><p>“He died for me.” Gwen rasps out as water fills her eyes, “When you were all about to leave, I asked him to look after you. All of you.</p><p> </p><p>“Why?” Arthurs asks as his voice breaks on the syllable, his face full of anguish, “Why would you ask him to do that?”</p><p> </p><p>An inappropriate chuckle escapes her throat as she turns away from Arthur to look out at the pyre once more, in hopes that if she stares for long enough Lancelot just might come back to her. </p><p> </p><p>“Because all of you have a self-sacrificing streak. I was worried about one of you, or God forbid all of you, dying. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing another friend.” she explains as her gaze moves up to the night sky, “One already dealt me a mortal blow.</p><p> </p><p>“Never in a million years, did I think Lancelot would adopt that penchant for death the rest of you had apparently been born with.”</p><p> </p><p>It was true. Though the rest of the knights were family and tried their best to remain largely unharmed, they didn’t have a wife waiting for them to come back alive and whole. They had the allowance of acting reckless and, in Gwen’s opinion, stupid.</p><p> </p><p>Lancelot couldn’t afford to take unnecessary risks for he had Gwen waiting at the gates of Camelot each time he came back. He had always swore to Gwen he would come back home to her, for her. For the most part, she bitterly thinks as she looks out at the ashes that were once her husband's sword, he kept his promise. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry I killed your husband.” he whispers.</p><p> </p><p>Gwen wonders how many times Arthur had to say that to a knight’s widow.</p><p> </p><p>“You didn’t kill my husband.” she says with a sigh, “I think you and I both know that nothing was going to stop Lancelot from walking into the veil. People call him noble, I call him stubborn.”</p><p> </p><p>“He was one of the best men I ever knew.” Arthur admits. </p><p> </p><p>To Gwen, he <em>was</em> the best man she had ever known but that alone had been his downfall. His sense of nobility, loyalty, chivalry was what had damned him in the end. All she had done was ask for a favour and she had sent him on the path down to his death. </p><p> </p><p>God, Gwen had damned him.</p><p> </p><p>The tears that were welling up in her eyes since the funeral had finally made their descent down her cheeks. A sob erupts out of her chest, wracking against the bones of her rib cage. She buries her face into her palms as she attempts to control the hiccuping cries leaving her. It's all in vain, however. </p><p> </p><p>Without a moment's delay, Arthur collects her shaking frame into a hug, and she feels his arms wrap around her shoulders. Her hands claw against his back as she perches her chin on his shoulder. Tears fall down onto his tunic as she hears Arthur let out hushed reassurances. A second later his palm comes up to smooth down Gwen’s hair only serving to make her cry harder. </p><p> </p><p>Gwen should pull away. It’s improper for the King, the <em> married </em> King, to be seen embracing the widow maidservant of one of his fallen knights, in the middle of Camelot. It would tarnish Arthur’s reputation and it would have Gwen even more on the outskirts with the serving staff of the castle. </p><p> </p><p>Gwen should pull away but she doesn’t.</p><p> </p><p>She just lost her husband, everything feels like it’s falling apart at the seams and she just needs her friend to help keep her together. For all the King's horses and all the King's men couldn't put the Knight’s widow back together again, she thinks to herself as she presses her nose down into Arthur’s tunic.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i hope you liked it !! leave a kudo or a comment !! and come visit me on tumblr degrassi-fanatic, i take asks !!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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